No tears, a little sadness and I thought I was fine. Seemed like I was ready for it and when it came I took it so well. Honestly, knowing myself, not crying over a big disappointment, heartbreak was an achievement. And then the weather got better, there came spring and also my sister and so many things to do, rather occupy my mind and I was more than sure that I was doing great! Those few recent hopeful conversations followed by the same disagreements made me believe- yes it was right, the timing was right, there is nothing to hold onto. Feelings must go and they will go.
One night on some weekend it all came back to me. It all flashed in front of my eyes. You know how bad my memory is, but starting from day one, it all came back to me. That first time when I sneaked from a friend’s place and you came to pick me up. That was the first hug, the bear hug, I miss it so much today. The endless talks that night with those few beers which kept us up till dawn. The first kiss came alive as if it was few seconds back and that last one on the forehead before I left. Remember that hug, ‘THE HUG’ when you visited my place the first time and it made me feel what truly existed between us, it made me believe in us. The memory that flashed next got few tears with a broad smile. That evening when you wanted to surprise me at the bus stop. I cannot forget the happiness on your face and the uncountable times you picked me in your arms to express that joy. Honestly, that one is kind of my favorite. This one time I visited you to see two smiling, happy and excited faces welcoming me, when you got flowers for me. I remembered how when I got in my PJs and tied up my hair you would smile and say “That looks more like my girl”. I know you are not a fan of PDA, but the way you turned red when you would put those pecks on my cheeks out of no where, adorable. The time we walked through those empty roads or the romantic bridges talking about life, family, work, schools, people, philosophies and what not, made us believe “Oh we are so meant to be! We are the hopeless romantics”. The moment when we witnessed the enchanting New Year’s Eve fireworks or the magical Christmas in New York. The time we fought but couldn’t stay away and the nights when we got candles to make more memories. The list is endless for the short time we spent together.
That night all of these and many more memories came back to me and I just couldn’t fight those tears no more. I was probably late, but finally I was crying my heart out to what had passed, finally I was accepting the truth and my mind was absorbing in the reality.
And then I thought about it. All these memories just show how happy you made me feel, how you loved me. When I started collecting how I made you feel, I realized I didn’t give you much, I made you unhappy, rather I made you feel so miserable that inspite of the feelings you had to leave. Because when I thought about how I played my part, I could just think of the drunk nights spent fighting. That night hit me hard. I don’t think I did anything for us, for you and yet you tried, you stuck by my side and tried to understand me the best. I feel terrible. I’m so sorry. I know sorry is not the right thing. But you had to suffer for me. You were right, I ruined it. It was my fault. That fateful night I could just think of how things would have been different today had I done few things differently, had I reciprocated your love, had I made you truly happy. If only…… yes things might have been different today. Because we were in love truly, we had had our sunny days, after all you had talked to your parents about us, we were happy once.
I’m not writing this to make you feel sad or to gain your sympathy. I don’t expect your call or message after reading this letter. Consider this as my closure. Rather this is my attempt for a closure for myself. I had to pen it down. Because I doubt if we will ever get a closure in person. Because I don’t know if you will ever read this letter or just tear it in millions of pieces and never call or message me again. Because I don’t know if I’ll be prepared to see you again without all those feelings and regrets.
Remember how we didn’t want to live with regret of never trying and hence we decided to date! I guess I would have preferred that regret over the ones I’m living with today and maybe for some endless tomorrows.
No more a hopeless romantic.